Inspire and run

There's a quiet sort of dignity in shutting the fuck up
New York City view of Central Park.

New York City view of Central Park.

Dear Kevin,

I need to say good-bye to someone I care about, someone who’s still here, so  I’m saying it to you. You were good to me, Kevin, and sometimes when we were together, I remembered who I used to be before everything changed.

But I was pretending, pretending as if I hadn’t lost everything. I want to believe it can all go back to the way it was. I want to believe that I’m not surrounded by the abandoned ruin of a dead civilization. 

I want to believe it’s still possible to get close to someone… but it’s easier not to.

It’s easier because I’m a coward and I couldn’t take the pain, not again. I know that’s not fair, Kevin. You’ve lost so much, too, and you’re strong. 

You’re still here. But I can’t be, not anymore. I tried to get better, Kevin. I didn’t want to feel this way, so I took a shortcut. But it led me right back home, and do you know what I found when I got there? I found them, Kevin, right where I left them. Right where they left me. It took me 3 years to accept the truth, but now I know there’s no going back, no fixing it. 

I’m beyond repair.

Maybe we’re all beyond repair. I can’t go on the way I’m living.. but I don’t have the power to die. But I have to move towards something. Anything. I’m not sure where I’m going, just away. Away from all this. 

I think about a place where nobody will know what happened to me. But then I worry I’ll forget them. I don’t ever want to forget them. I can’t. They were my family. I think I loved you, Kevin. Maybe you loved me, too. I wish I could say this to you instead of writing it. I wish I could see you one last time to thank you and wish you well and tell you how much you mean to me. But I can’t. 

Like I said, I’m a coward.

So, wish me luck. Heh! I think I’m going to need it. 

Love, Nora.